New Free Short: A Competitive Edge

•May 22, 2012 • 1 Comment

The GoodReads M/M Romance group is holding another writing event, and today my new short story is posted for consumption. If you’re part of the group, you can read it here:

I’ll get my stories posted on this site a bit later.

I’m a little nervous about the reception to this one because I like it so much more than the last one. (I like Chasing the Prick, but it felt too flat to me. I’ll re-work it someday.) I’m hoping this one doesn’t feel as flat to others.

I hope you enjoy it, Sue! =)

In the light of day

•April 2, 2012 • 2 Comments

In the light of the next day, I’m not the mess I was yesterday. I know the cycle pretty well. Even had I not posted this yesterday, I would probably feel somewhat better today because I can only beat myself up for so long before I have to get on with life. And I learned a few years back not to beat myself up too much. (Maybe I’ll share that story another day.)

One thing I’ve realized is that I need to examine the huge sense of guilt I (still) have and understand it. That will help me in the future.

I do know that the guilt stems from the fact that I do actually value the acquaintanceship (if not friendship) of those people that I thought might feel hurt by what I had to say. And I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t consider it pathetic that I put so much value–give so much of myself–to people I’ve never even met in person, either. There are people who believe that the relationships you forge online are not real and you shouldn’t invest yourself in them. While yes, there are those who may burn you for doing so and so a measure of caution is always warranted, I’m just not one of those people who can keep that in reserve.

There are people who will try to say that you should go out and find “IRL” friends instead of “wasting your time online.” Those people don’t understand that for some others, the time they spend online is more of the real them than they can put forth in person. (FWIW, I do not consider myself that way, but I know those people exist. I’ve met them in person too.) Those people don’t understand that it’s not a waste of time to connect to someone via a medium where the emotional is required to come before the physical understanding, attachment, or attraction. Those people don’t understand that “IRL” doesn’t always mean things will work out and “online” doesn’t always mean they won’t just because you’re not in the same physical location.

Having and valuing online friends over or in addition to real ones does not mean someone is pathetic and cannot handle a “real relationship”. It IS a real relationship. It’s just different.

So, I think that’s where the sense of guilt comes from. These people matter to me even though, in truth, I barely know them. Their opinion matters. Hence the need to hear them say “it’s okay. You still matter too.”

Maybe more on this later. I’ve got to get to work.
(Comments are moderated unless I’ve approved you to post a comment already. I won’t be able to approve comments while at work today, so some of them may not show up until later tonight.)

This is me

•April 1, 2012 • 12 Comments

So, I don’t have these days very often, but when I do, they hit me pretty hard. And as hardly anyone reads my blog because I don’t keep up with it regularly, this is as good a place to get it out as any.

I have a VERY deep-seated need to be liked by anyone that knows me and to be reassured of it. It doesn’t come out to play very often anymore because of something else that happened to me several years ago that keeps it at bay most of the time, but this need has been around longer and will never truly go away. I know it stems from being picked on (not bullied, but picked on) in my childhood and from being an only child.

I have memories of the “evil hive mind” of the neighborhood children. I was easy to pick on and cried quickly when they did so, thus it became fun to many. I would be minding my own business, bouncing a ball down the street, and they would say to each other “Do you hear that? Is that thunder?” “Nope, I don’t hear anything.” Ignoring my existence to my face. Or if they did let me play with them, they made me ‘it’ because I couldn’t catch them, and if I did finally catch them (or whine that I never would be able to and I was tired of being ‘it’), they no longer wanted to play, so I rarely ever got a chance to not be ‘it’. I don’t think every time they did it was on purpose, but there were lots of times I knew it was on purpose because they didn’t like me. Even my cousins did it to me (unintentionally, I know now) because I was the youngest.

And I never knew what I did to deserve it. Was it because I sucked my thumb until I was eleven and finally got my braces? Of course I got picked on for that as well. I got picked on because my mother made a lot of my clothes instead of buying them at the store. (Apparently that made us “poor.” We were not poor, and I didn’t understand why they would say that to me.) I got picked on for as much random crap as everyone else in this world. Everyone got picked on in some fashion. I’m not unique.

They were kids being kids. And not wanting to stand up to the hive mind. Most of us come across it at some point of another. Some people wind up IN the hive mind and don’t know how to stand up to it or get out of it; others of us wind up on the outside of it. I tried so desperately to be included and liked that one girl a grade below me in high school actually said to me, “Stop following us around like a lost puppy.” That devastated me at fourteen years old. (And to this day, if I’m walking behind a group of people I’m supposedly with, I don’t always feel like I belong or am truly included in their group… I’m following and just hoping they don’t mind.)

I’m not telling you this to whine about how bad my childhood wasn’t–I know it was very privileged and tame, particularly in comparison to some of the childhoods of my online friends. I’m telling you this to give you an insight into me. If you care.

As a result of the above, I also tend to come across as a know-it-all and sometimes I don’t know when not to take something too far; I don’t know when to stop. I’ve gotten better with some age and experience, and I acknowledge it as a flaw and work to control it. But it’s there; it’s always there. All of it is always a part of me.

I wrote something last night that I knew wouldn’t be popular but I thought was important to say. I knew it could potentially be alienating for me, though I’m aware that’s my irrational, pessimistic self seeking the worst, and that’s probably not actually the case. But no one has said it isn’t the case either.

The child in me really needs reassurance today that friends actually still like me, even though I said what I said, as unpopular as it likely was. It’s one of those days where I want to feel like I belong, that I do actually have online friends, even though I’m not the person that ANY of you goes to first to talk to about anything; I’m not the person any of you are closest to.

I’ll be fine in a day or so. These bouts don’t usually last long, and my self-confidence and understanding of my own self-worth returns. But on the days those desert me, I’m a depressed mess.

So that’s me today.

The Year In Review

•December 31, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Yep, I’m still fairly bad at posting regularly. But then again, I don’t have a lot to say right now because most of my time is taken up by work or my family. With two little girls under the age of two, it’s going to be a while before I have large swaths of time to myself to write (unless I stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning). Then again, I might have more time if I stopped reading and hanging out on Twitter or GoodReads, or following Riptide Publishing’s Grand Opening Blog Tour. (Damn their excellent marketing!) ;)

Christmas was very nice. We got my oldest daughter a beanbag, which she absolutely adores. The youngest is still too small to understand what Christmas means. (She’ll get her own beanbag next year.) I got some anime and manga that I’ve been collecting. I bought myself more books than I should have. (There’s around $1000, all told, from Christmas purchases on my credit card right now.)

It’s been a rough year financially, and I thank God for my parents each and every day, because we wouldn’t have made it through this year without them. My in-laws have no idea how bad off we are financially and that my parents are helping us as much as they are. My parents are essentially paying for my husband to go back to college. (They never expected to have to pay for a second person to go to college since I’m an only child. In my father’s words, it’s an investment in their grandchildren, because either he gets a better job to help us, or if for some reason we wind up divorced–*knocks on wood*–then it’ll help him pay more alimony. *laugh* My father’s words, not mine.)

I won a tarot reading from Heidi Cullinan earlier this year, and the question I asked her to focus on was about my husband going back to school and us paying for it and is it the right decision. The result was that yes, in the long run, it was the right decision. And that has proven to be true. My husband got his first 4.0 of his life this past semester, and he was so proud of himself. Now we’re looking into grants and scholarships to help pay for it. (Now that his grades have evened out just below a 3.0 from the few credits he could transfer from the last time he attempted college, which saved him a semester.)

And then there was the TV dying earlier this year, right before our second daughter was born. She was sort of a surprise. I had trouble conceiving the first daughter, so I didn’t expect to conceive the second so soon after the first. It was an active choice not to use a condom that night though. I believe I said the words “The hell with it. We’ll deal with it if it happens.” Well, surprise! It did. So, the girls are a bit closer together in age than I’d originally thought about having them, but they’re precious and I adore them so much. They are, however, expensive little creatures. My parents have helped there as well. (Mostly diapers and formula.) And I don’t even want to think about how to help them pay for college at the same time. (Actually, they both already have 529 plans that I put $100/month into. If I can keep that up, that’s around $21k each by age 18.)

Personally, it’s been a fabulous year, just not financially. I’ve met some wonderful people online, not the least of which is my new bestie, writer Vicktor Alexander. And I’ve met many other writers in the LGBT community. I’m looking forward to going to Gay Rom Lit 2012, if I can swing it financially. Of course, I want to be at Vic and Daniel’s collaring ceremony as much as I’d just like to meet everyone. I think my husband is agreeable as long as he gets to go to BlizzCon next year (which is also October, erk! Wallet says “OUCH!”)

And I wrote my first stories for public consumption since I was in school. I used to write when I was in my teens, but it was always an “at the moment” hobby. I stuck with it for a little while until something else grabbed my attention. I always liked writing. I just liked other things more.

I credit coming back to writing to fan-fiction. Specifically, the author of The Vampire Diaries, L. Jane Smith, said on her website that she was thinking of holding a fan-fiction contest for the release of the final book in one of her other series, Night World. She’s still working on that book, so whether or not she holds the contest when it’s done is debatable, but I wanted to get a jump start in case she ever did, so around the fall of 2010 I wrote two fan-fiction stories in her Night World universe.

That’s what got me back to it. I haven’t written much since, but I have written 2 very short stories (6k or less), and I have grand plans for a full novel, possibly a series. The story is itching to get out of my head, but finding time to write with two very young daughters has been difficult. I have a very thorough outline written down, plus a few bits of dialogue and some alternate universe notes, but I’m still tweaking all of that as I think up new things that fit the story, characters, and universe. I’ve been thinking about this universe and story pretty constantly for the last 3 months. I still have research to do and notes to transcribe from where I’ve recorded them in the car on my way to and from work. (It’s the most time I have to think about it during the day.)

So, I want to get started on this story in 2012. There’s plenty still to research before I can actually get started. But once the kidlets go to bed, I can play.

Of course, the husband wants me to play with him too. My work is never done. =)

Here’s to a great 2012, y’all.

Love and such, –Adara.

On Plot Bunnies and Newborns

•November 15, 2011 • Leave a Comment

This AU story is dying to come out, and I can’t make myself give up sleep to get it out. Maybe because I don’t get enough of it as is.

This is the last time that I allow the plot bunnies to multiply while I have a newborn! (Okay, she’s 3.5 months now, but she’s just figuring out what “sleeping though the night” means. Currently, that means 6pm-3am.)


•November 11, 2011 • 2 Comments

Last night, I was reading the most recent post from the 2 Boys in Love blog, where Matt posted that he wanted to take some more time to get his post about losing his virginity right. He didn’t want to throw it out there. He needed to express what it meant to him, the emotion of the moment.

It made me remember one of my own from 17.5 years ago. He was 22 at the time (a junior – he’d come back to school after some time off). I was still a virgin at the time and I had only been 18 for 2 months. (My parents started me in school early, so I graduated high school at 17 years old. I turned 18 at the beginning of my second semester of college.) This event happened in March 1994. A day or two after this event, I wrote out how I felt about it. So, this is not me trying to remember an event from 17 years ago. This was me writing down something that had just happened to remember it in the future. In truth, I was writing this down diary style, so that I could share it with my own daughters in the future, presuming I would have any. (Lucky me, I have 2!) Ironically, this was also the event that made me realize that some things have to be experienced on your own, not vicariously, and that I needed to stop writing down such things for that purpose. So my diary essentially stopped that day. But I digress.

I’m not yet a writer. I’ve put words down and called it a story before, but I haven’t studied the craft at all, much less honed it yet. This is some of my early work. And it wasn’t meant to be a story for consumption by others, though I have shared it with a few people (and most told me I should be a writer because they thought it was good at the time). The point is – THIS IS A MEMORY. This is me, in this situation, and how I felt. The dialogue and my thoughts are actual, not fictional. I still know his name and have a picture of us, taken probably a week after this event – it’s one of my favorite pictures of me. I cleaned up a couple of commas, but otherwise this is what I wrote at the time, and it’s not intended to be the best thing I ever wrote – just the most personal.

So, if you have something negative to say about it, DON’T. Don’t ruin my memory.

* * * * *
I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but he brought it out of me. I was in his apartment and it was late. Do I stay or do I go? Only a few months ago there would have been no choice – I would have gone. But college has this funny way of changing you. I knew that he had to get up early in the morning, but somehow I was pretty sure he didn’t care about that. Do I stay or do I go?

I knew I didn’t want to go. In the back of my mind there never really was a choice. I followed him into his bedroom. He turned off the lights and closed the door. Then we got comfortable – he changed into his boxers and took off his shirt, and I changed into one of his t-shirts; the bra and pants came off later. Like I said, he brought it out of me, this feeling that I could be more free than normal; “faster” I guess is a better word.

Then he kissed me. I have been kissed before, but not with a passion like this. His four years more of experience made a big difference. He started softly and grew in intensity, but he always returned to that soft stage – an ability that only maturity brings. I couldn’t have asked for anything better; I’m not even sure if there is such a thing. All I know is that I would’ve melted if I’d been on my feet; he swept me off them.

But I wasn’t ready – to go “all the way” that is. After all, I’d known him for only two weeks. There’s still a lot I don’t know about him, even now. Can I trust him? The air became more and more heated as time progressed, and neither of us was getting any sleep at this rate. But I decided I couldn’t go through with it… not yet (and not that I didn’t want to!) All I could manage between our kisses was “don’t… please,” and he didn’t. He continued to kiss me and brought his hands back up underneath my back to mess with my hair.

More than once he noticed my heart was racing. I hadn’t. He paused a few seconds later, and I looked up at the dark silhouette poised above me. He asked, “What are you thinking?” and that threw me. A lot of things were flying through my mind so fast that I had no idea what they were or even where to begin. I searched for what felt like several seconds to find exactly the right way to say everything I felt all at once, but it was really only a split second before, out of nowhere, a thought crossed my lips before it even crossed my mind. Somewhere from my subconscious, I said it all: “That I can trust you.” Only a one-word answer followed…


* * * * *

I did not give him my virginity that night, though it was the first time that I ever felt a man’s erection against my body (and “Oh. My. God!” does not even begin to cover the emotion resulting from that!) In fact, I didn’t give it to him at all. As much as I was attracted to him, he realized I wasn’t the right person for him, and though I didn’t like it, I happened to be with him in June when he met the right girl for him, and after seeing them together and getting to know her, I acknowledged to myself that he’d been right. (She dicked him over 4 years later, not long after he proposed (and she accepted!) but before she graduated, a year behind me. I was shocked because they had been so right for each other in the beginning, and obviously he still thought so because he proposed. I never got her side of the story.)

Anyway, there it is.
God, he was cute. =)

Post-story fidgeting

•October 14, 2011 • 2 Comments

Gah, going back to read that story now, I look at it, saying to myself: “WHAT was I thinking??”

Because there’s a lot wrong with it in the details. But I have to keep in mind that I was writing it on the fly for a contest, and it got no true editing. That’s a 1-hr story and 1 read-through for typos. That’s it. If I look at it that way, it’s not so bad.

But it still is. *cringe* =)

On a separate note – have I mentioned how much I REALLY wish I could have gone to the 1st annual GayRomLit retreat? No? *sigh* 2 kids and an out-of-work husband going back to college doesn’t leave any money for such right now. One day, maybe. It’ll depends on how close it is held to me for the next few years (until hubs gets a job). Unfortunately, NOLA is likely to be the closest location for a while, I’m betting.

Curse of the Sugar Fairy, part 2

•October 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Here’s the rest of the story. Still very NSFW behind the cut. =)

Continue reading ‘Curse of the Sugar Fairy, part 2’

Curse of the Sugar Fairy, part 1

•October 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

As part of a contest for Riptide Publishing, I wrote a story inspired by the cover of Bryl Tyne’s book Divinity. Initially I only wrote this first part, but a few people wanted more, so I finished it off as an HFN. I’ll post the end in a few days. So, without further ado, here’s the Curse of the Sugar Fairy.


Of all the damned luck, he’s figured it out. Why do I have to be a fucking sugar fairy?

From somewhere on my right, a deep voice tinged with lust said, “When you feed him sugar, he just can’t help himself.”

Which is totally true. Ever since I reached maturity, I’ve tried very hard not to touch any sugar at all, much less eat it. Just the natural sugars from fruits will make me horny beyond belief, but given enough, the man-made artificial sugars can make me cum repeatedly without being touched. They could kill me if not handled properly.

He had stripped me naked and laid me on a cold, hard surface. I couldn’t see through the blindfold, which is why I was surprised when he held my nostrils closed. Without thinking, I gasped ever so slightly. That’s when I felt the drop touch my tongue. Goddess help me! I whispered “oh, fuck” as my body instantly absorbed the sugar.
More NSFW story behind the cut

Alternate universes

•September 24, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The muse is absolutely screaming at me to work on an alternate universe story I’ve had in my head for the last week. When it screams this loud, I start talking out loud to myself in the car on the way to work. Usually, I also record it so I remember all the ideas and lines for later.

Today I’m trying to write down the outline that I have recorded and flesh out details. With a sleeping baby on my lap. I hate how slow one-handed typing is (especially given I do around 90-100 wpm usually). Fortunately we have friends coming over to play D&D with my husband, so they’ll take the baby for a while.

I need to make myself some sort of template in Excel for keeping up with character traits too. One of the reasons I haven’t gone back to finish my other WIP is because I don’t remember the details I wrote previously about the characters. Then again, I realize how uninspired that story is now, and how poorly written it is, and I’m not sure I’ll go back to it without some significant re-working in mind. In the future.

P.S. This has nothing to do with the blurb from the previous post.

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