This is me

So, I don’t have these days very often, but when I do, they hit me pretty hard. And as hardly anyone reads my blog because I don’t keep up with it regularly, this is as good a place to get it out as any.

I have a VERY deep-seated need to be liked by anyone that knows me and to be reassured of it. It doesn’t come out to play very often anymore because of something else that happened to me several years ago that keeps it at bay most of the time, but this need has been around longer and will never truly go away. I know it stems from being picked on (not bullied, but picked on) in my childhood and from being an only child.

I have memories of the “evil hive mind” of the neighborhood children. I was easy to pick on and cried quickly when they did so, thus it became fun to many. I would be minding my own business, bouncing a ball down the street, and they would say to each other “Do you hear that? Is that thunder?” “Nope, I don’t hear anything.” Ignoring my existence to my face. Or if they did let me play with them, they made me ‘it’ because I couldn’t catch them, and if I did finally catch them (or whine that I never would be able to and I was tired of being ‘it’), they no longer wanted to play, so I rarely ever got a chance to not be ‘it’. I don’t think every time they did it was on purpose, but there were lots of times I knew it was on purpose because they didn’t like me. Even my cousins did it to me (unintentionally, I know now) because I was the youngest.

And I never knew what I did to deserve it. Was it because I sucked my thumb until I was eleven and finally got my braces? Of course I got picked on for that as well. I got picked on because my mother made a lot of my clothes instead of buying them at the store. (Apparently that made us “poor.” We were not poor, and I didn’t understand why they would say that to me.) I got picked on for as much random crap as everyone else in this world. Everyone got picked on in some fashion. I’m not unique.

They were kids being kids. And not wanting to stand up to the hive mind. Most of us come across it at some point of another. Some people wind up IN the hive mind and don’t know how to stand up to it or get out of it; others of us wind up on the outside of it. I tried so desperately to be included and liked that one girl a grade below me in high school actually said to me, “Stop following us around like a lost puppy.” That devastated me at fourteen years old. (And to this day, if I’m walking behind a group of people I’m supposedly with, I don’t always feel like I belong or am truly included in their group… I’m following and just hoping they don’t mind.)

I’m not telling you this to whine about how bad my childhood wasn’t–I know it was very privileged and tame, particularly in comparison to some of the childhoods of my online friends. I’m telling you this to give you an insight into me. If you care.

As a result of the above, I also tend to come across as a know-it-all and sometimes I don’t know when not to take something too far; I don’t know when to stop. I’ve gotten better with some age and experience, and I acknowledge it as a flaw and work to control it. But it’s there; it’s always there. All of it is always a part of me.

I wrote something last night that I knew wouldn’t be popular but I thought was important to say. I knew it could potentially be alienating for me, though I’m aware that’s my irrational, pessimistic self seeking the worst, and that’s probably not actually the case. But no one has said it isn’t the case either.

The child in me really needs reassurance today that friends actually still like me, even though I said what I said, as unpopular as it likely was. It’s one of those days where I want to feel like I belong, that I do actually have online friends, even though I’m not the person that ANY of you goes to first to talk to about anything; I’m not the person any of you are closest to.

I’ll be fine in a day or so. These bouts don’t usually last long, and my self-confidence and understanding of my own self-worth returns. But on the days those desert me, I’m a depressed mess.

So that’s me today.

~ by Adara O'Hare on April 1, 2012.

12 Responses to “This is me”

  1. Hey, saw what you wrote and I’ll help reassure you that you’re still awesome. In fact, I think it’s good that you understood all sides. *hugs*

  2. If it helps: I read your posts when you do throw one out there and coming from someone who’s been in your same shoes when I was a kid I totally get where you’re coming from. S’all good if it’s something we can laugh at or about years later.

    Pssst. If it matters, darlin? I like you!

  3. I can sympathise; I was bullied at school and it’s a horrible feeling. And I have depression at the moment and that does mean a lot of days I see the worst in everything.
    You have the right to disagree with other people and to express your own opinion. And I have seen your comment – that I don’t agree doesn’t mean I hate you or think ill of you.
    Hugs – because I think you might need some. Hope you feel better soon.

    • Thank you, and *hugs* in return because it sounds like maybe you can use them as well.

      I knew that no matter how I said it, someone might take it wrong or disagree. Disagreement I can handle.

      As I said, I know logically that how I feel is irrational and that those I consider friends online aren’t going to stop liking me because I posted my thoughts. But I feel a huge sense of guilt because of it, and that sort of snowballed into where I am now. I know it’s all in my head.

      But thank you. I needed to hear that.

  4. I had managed a sensible(ish) response, but wordpress ate it.

    I’ve seen your comment; yes our opinions differ, but that doesn’t mean I think ill of you.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon. Hugs – I think you need some right now :)

  5. *hugs*

  6. *hugs* Your comment yesterday was very well written and it sure didn’t offend me in any way. I saw the things very similarily to the way you did. :)

    I don’t know you that well yet, but I do like you! Hah, how could I not if you’re invading my dreams in such a cool manner ;D

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